Personal Growth

Why Can’t I Ask For What I Need?

There have been situations in my life where I have failed to express my real feelings or needs. Whether it’s towards my boss or in a relationship I fail to advocate for myself.  I have asked myself why in certain scenarios I fail to communicate honestly. Being my authentic self and asking for what I need becomes a daunting task.  It’s not that I don’t want to communicate confidently with people but rather that I feel afraid too.

In the hopes of shedding some light on my dilemma I started looking for some information on my communication conundrum and came upon an interesting article. The University of Cambridge Counselling Service provides information on four types of communication.  In studying the four types of communication I tried to locate my communication style.

First there is the aggressive communicator who is defensive when communicating their needs and wants and tends to hurt others.  The second type of communicator is passive. Passive communicators tend to avoid expressing what the feel and need, are indirect, and stay away from conflict. The third type of communicator is an individual who is passive aggressive. This type of communicator attempts to get their needs met through control and manipulation of others. The fourth type of communicator is an individual who is assertive. Assertive communication is healthy, honest, clear, and direct.   

After looking at the four areas of communication it was obvious that assertive communication was the goal to strive for. In looking at my life some red flags appeared. I have kept quiet in moments where I wanted to speak directly because I felt undeserving and didn’t want to create a conflict. In my life I can see passive communication at work and recognize that I haven’t gained from it. How a person communicates is directly related to how you they feel about themselves.

Finding a solution to a problem is always promising but it requires some work. My end goal would be to become an assertive communicator in all situations in my life regardless of how uncomfortable or scary it may feel. A few steps to becoming an assertive communicator include practicing expressing your feelings, self-validation, saying ‘no’, and asking for what you need. If you’re interested in more information on becoming a more assertive communicator click here. If anyone can relate, enjoyed the information, or has their own communication dilemma please let me know.